BEFORE YOU WERE BORN

Sweet Lisbeth,

I want to take the time to tell you about your being born.

For a long while, before you were even a twinkle in Mommy's eye, I knew I wanted a baby so badly. I wanted my very own little treasure to love and snuggle and adore, but I knew the time wasn't right. I had no money, no real good job, no home of my own. I wanted to be stable and have a good, safe place to bring a baby.

I knew I couldn't have a baby just yet, so I thought a puppy would be a good idea. A puppy requires constant love and care and attention, the same as a baby. Coincidentally, I found Cody, and it soon became clear that we needed each other. Cody became my first baby.

We lived with someone who got evicted, and having nowhere to go, we became homeless. Your big brother Cody and I lived in my car for a while, but it started to get cold.

One day, I woke up with terrible pain in my stomach. I went to the hospital, and in just a few hours I found out that I had gallstones and needed surgery to have my gallbladder out.

I was pretty scared, and as I was lying on the operating table ready to be put to sleep, a nurse came to me and asked, "Did you know you were pregnant?"

I was so shocked and in disbelief. I could only ask, "Are you sure?" The nurses all nodded. I didn't really have time to process the thought before they put me to sleep for the surgery. That was October 14, 2013.

After that, I knew I couldn't recover from surgery and be pregnant in my car. I had to send Cody to live with a foster family and I had to go to the homeless shelter. I stayed there until a week before Christmas, then I lived with a girl in Englewood for a month. Her boyfriend was a criminal and a drug addict, though, so I in February I moved in with my boyfriend's family.

During this time of moving around so much, I kept all of my doctor's appointments to keep an eye on you. I was so sick while I was pregnant, I had pneumonia, I was hospitalized a few times for severe dehydration, and I kept throwing up so much that I lost 40lbs. I always got so happy when I thought about you though, or when I could feel you wiggling and kicking around in my belly. I wondered what I should name you. If you were a boy, I wanted to name you Anakin, or Nathaniel Alexander, becos Nathaniel was my boyfriend's name, and he always wanted to name his child Alexander. If you were a girl, I had so many names picked out. Dahlia, Katja, Magda, Vitula, or maybe Daala or Mara Jade.

One day, my boyfriend said, "If the baby is a girl, we should name her Samantha Alexandria." I knew that he almost certainly chose the name after the dog in the movie I Am Legend, and I refused to name my child after a dog. Since we both love movies, I wanted to suggest an alternative name, so I came up with Lisbeth, from The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. That girl is strong, extremely intelligent, she is courageous, stylish, cool, she stands up for herself and refuses to be mistreated by anyone. I thought that she has many good qualities, and would be a good person to be named after.

By the end of March, an organization that helps homeless people find houses had gotten me an apartment. It was absolutely wonderful. You even had your own room and Cody came home to live with us. So many people came forward to help, and the apartment was fully furnished in just a week.

It was one of the happiest times, when we finally had our own home where we could be a family. It was wonderful.